You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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