My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize