A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Randomize
