My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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