i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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