I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Randomize
