your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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