I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize