There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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