her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
