you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Randomize
