I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
