so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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