You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
