you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Randomize
