oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
