I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Randomize
