if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
