I just made out with a guy for $7.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
