i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
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