my phone needs a breathalizer
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
