she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
