I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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