I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
