all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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