im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
