i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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