I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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