So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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