just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
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