...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize