i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
i came on her dog
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
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