Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
