how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
