Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
