You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
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