I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
