I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
