I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Randomize
