i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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