my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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