I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
