Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
