I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
