I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
