You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
