i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
You don't make any sense
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