Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
His hands were made for my vagina.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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