Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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