he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
