I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
he quoted the bible to break up with me
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
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