He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
I deserve this hangover.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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