I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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