Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Randomize
