so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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